Friday, July 3, 2009

Kemistry, dating, and why we're so damn confused.

Hey there, I'm Spike and I'll be sharing some thoughts with you over the next,
Just to give you a tiny snapshot of who I am, I'll tell you first who I am not.

I do not live in my mothers basement, sleep on the couch, or sit alone watching Twilight Zone marathons.
Okay, honestly I do occasionally fall asleep on my couch in the livingroom, but it's comfy!
And I do like the Twilight Zone, but only the old ones!
I am a published relationship author, a professional photographer, and I run Dating DeMistyfied with my partner Tony, a workshop that brings men and women together as strangers, and they leave as friends, and sometimes much more. ( Tony and I have interviewed thousands of men and women, so our perspective on dating, chemistry, and love is,
it just is!!!!

I'll be blogging here a few times a week, and Tony might chime in as well. Our writing styles are very different. I'm sorta an "in your face storyteller" and Tony is more "matter of fact info" type of writer.

So here is something that I threw together a while back. It may be slightly controversial, and that's just the way I like it!!!!


Have you ever been to one of those singles mixers?

You know the kind, where everyone is there to meet people? Where everyone knows that everyone else is also there to meet people? Where everyone supposedly "wants to meet people?"

Then explain to me why the women are on one side and the men are congregated on the other? Are they preparing to play dodge ball? Is there an invisible line down the middle of the bar? Did Monday night football at Gallagher’s somehow get mixed up with Jane’s book of the month club get together for female shut-in’s? Did an organizer say “men to the right, women to the left” upon entry?

Nope, none of these things occurred.

What is happening is that the vast majority of men and women, despite furiously wanting to meet each other, despite dressing for the occasion, despite looking and smelling their best, preparing for hours, and looking forward to this for weeks… are scared to death to approach one another.

Ugh. How did we as a nation come to this point?

We all love to laugh, to play, to dance, to sing, to have fun with our friends, eat great food, see an awesome flick, go to the beach, the pool, the lake, and to the ever popular tar beach (up on da rooooooooooof!).

So how did we all get so damn freaky? How did we come to this place of complete gender eradication where the roles are not defined, not understood, and everyone walks around cool, aloof, non needy…

…and totally and completely alone?

Well ladies, y’know that guy, the one you’ve been waiting for your entire life, the one you’ve been seeing for three weeks, the one who has suddenly turned into a blithering, ass kissing, whimpering idiot who bears no resemblance to the awesome dude you thought you were falling for?

And your friend, the really hot girl who can get any man she wants? The one who has rich guys chasing her and kissing her feet? The one who knows that she’s “all that”… who is SHE chasing after?

Who else? …The out of work guitar player who worked at the local coffee shop, until he was fired for hitting on the boss’s daughter.
He’s bad news altogether. He abuses the women he sees. He cheats on them. He yells at them and puts them down. He is a total and complete asshole, yet women swoon at his feet.


Because he has confidence, and due to this complete confidence he understands that if you say no, chances are the next girl will say yes, and he doesn’t care either way. Women are driven insane by this level of confidence and they can deny it from now until doomsday, but where there is a “bad boy” there is without a doubt a trail of women following him, calling him, begging to be with him. It is a fact of life and it will never change. The more outrageous his behavior, the more women swoon for his every movement. The more he lets them down, stands them up, and displays an aloof attitude of “whatever” when she gets upset, the more in love she feels, and the harder she will try to make him love her back.
She cannot understand this about herself. She wishes secretly that she could just find that one “nice guy” but her subconscious mind knows that she would never even give that guy a sniff, so she’s doomed from the start.

The old standby that “nice guys finish last” is truer today than it ever was.

I hate this! I am so not this way (well, maybe sometimes) but it is the gospel!

This same woman has a best friend for many years; we’ll call him “Jeff.”

Jeff has an amazing job helping others. He is tall, good looking, makes good money and is the sweetest man she has ever known. Every time she has “guy problems” Jeff comes running to her aid, day or night, it makes no difference. He will listen to her cry for hours all the while wiping her tears, making herbal tea, and building back her good humor with jokes and warm, tender hugs.

Jeff has always been there for her and always will be. He is the light of her life, her knight in shining armor, her buddy, her pal. She wishes she could find a guy like Jeff; he is so wonderful and understanding. Why can’t she find a man like him, do they even exist?

What is this girl missing? Why can’t she see the nose in front of her pretty face? Why has she never had even the slightest erg of attraction towards this amazing, handsome man?

Well, it is not her fault, it is Jeff’s.

Jeff does not know how to create attraction. He knows nothing of the way in which “chemistry” is built between a man and a woman. He only knows how to be nice and assumes that eventually she will wise up and see the light shining on his handsome face.

But he is wrong, as his behavior is exactly the reason why she will NEVER feel attraction for him.

He is dependable.
He is reliable.
He is always available to her, whenever or for whatever she needs him.
He is unselfish.
He is a “nice guy” in every respect, polite, sweet, understanding,

and boring…
and predictable,
and unattractive in every way she wants a man to BE attractive,
even though she is completely unaware of these facts at a conscious level and would argue from now until doomsday that these are the facts.

If JUST ONCE, just one time she called Jeff to vent about her horrible boyfriend and he responded with “can’t talk now hun, I have a date. We’ll chat later, bye” she would fall off her chair and suddenly Jeff would be much better looking, more attractive to HER, finally.


Ain’t it obvious?

He said “no” to her for the first time, and suddenly her entire world was turned upside down. Jeff suddenly is unpredictable, he isn’t constantly available. He has a life besides her, so now he has an attraction that was not there previously.


And PLEASE do leave comments!!!!!


Karen said...

Hate to admit it Spike...but YIKES...I agree. The same is true of the "nice girl" too. She stops being seen as the "catch" if she's too available or accomodating. So the difficult divas seem to get more play. So what's the solution? There must be a way to re-wire the whole chemistry thing? These games are exhausting. Great to hear the male perspective on this stuff. Thanks!

Sharlene DeVitis said...

Great blog!!

I go after the same type of guy....hate to admit it.

I have always loved a good challenge and go after what I want and usually get it. I was felt loved by my dad and was abused physically and verbally as a child. I won't stand for any physical abuse from any men. If a man verbally abuses me I will tell him to knock it off and give me respect or else I will have nothing to do with him.

My luck has been.....I meet a man, who is "okay" looking we date a few times and we get along great. We start dating, and he wants to see me all of the time, treats me great, but the chemistry...just isn't there and I get bored fast.

I have always liked the "bad boys". I grew up with them and hung out with them during grammar school and we were best friends. The bad boys are confident and that is admirable, attractive and is such a "turn on".

I am looking for a man, who can be my "rock", my best friend, my soulmate and lover. Someone who will make me laugh, who I can share my secrets, fears, joys and dreams with. But most of all...somone who I know...will always be there.

Why is it soooooo hard to find a man like this. Men nowadays just want to have sex and leave. I think a lot of men are coming out of bad marriages or bad relationships and just want to see how many women they can get into bed. Kinda like reliving their teen days.

The tough part long do you make a guy wait before you have sex with them. 1 date, 3 dates, 3 months. As soon as you give it up, they usually walk....

Why does dating have to be sooo damn hard?

Keep up the good work David!

Love ya,

Charley (Sharlene-NJ)

Simone said...

This is true...women like a man with swagger...not mr nice guy. We prefer the Fonz over Richie is what it is.. Fortunately for me, I have the mindset of a man, so I can alter myself to be able to get into his head and have him eating out of the palm of my hand. Its a gift..which is why Im writing a book about it. So many of my male friends are ideal catches, but have been told they are "too nice". I have male friends that are assholes that have women crying over then daily. That part I don't get..I think the weak insecure women will fall for an asshole even when he treats her like crap. The world is crazy isn't it??

Simone said...

To Sharlene.....
There is no time frame when to give it up..just as long as its not on the first date...The sad part is that you are damned if you do, damned if you dont. If you dont give it up soon..he thinks you are playing hard to get and you can lose him to the next freak....If you do give it up quick, he is gonna wonder if you do this all the there is no right just gotta play it by ear and talk about sex up front and put those cards on the table.